We’re so glad you contacted us and expressed an interest in being a part of the church! You’ve made a wise choice, and we’re sure you’ll find that we are theologically correct on all the important issues. We admire people who seek after God, and you’ve taken the first step in doing that.
There is a problem, however. You see, Greg, you are an abomination to God. It’s because of people like you that God is pouring out his wrath on our country. And how do we know that God is angry with us? Because the Bible clearly teaches us that people like you only exist because you have chosen to reject God and pursue evil. Greg, you are the reason that God is punishing us; and you are also the evidence that God is punishing us.
Please do keep in mind though, Greg, that we love you and welcome you warmly. We’re proud of how loving we are. In fact, it’s because of our love for you that we’re telling you that God looks on you with revulsion and hostility. It wouldn’t be very loving of us, if we know how much God hated you, and yet we didn’t tell you! You see where we’re coming from? So remember that we love YOU, Greg; even though we hate who and what you are (as does God).
And since we started down this road, we want to continue to bathe you in the truth, since the truth will set you free! So here are some other truths we’ve learned: we know from history that cultures that “give in” to people like you are hastening their own downfall; they are lighting the fuse for their own self-destruction. Greg, because we love you, we want you to know that most people like you get horrible diseases like AIDS and die painful deaths. Lots of them also end up killing themselves, which, you must agree, is pretty good evidence that we’re right, isn’t it? Yes, it’s pretty clear to us. The suffering, humiliation, pain, and ultimate self-destruction of people like you confirm for us that we are right (and as we mentioned above, being right is pretty important to us!)
We encourage you to think back on your childhood, and figure out exactly how and when you rejected God and chose the path of sin. If you can figure this out, then perhaps you can repent and begin to undo the great evil that has caused God to reject you and turn you over to your sinful desires. It might be hard for you to remember exactly what you did to bring this on yourself. You mentioned that you were first aware of your unnatural attractions when you were quite young. That’s a little surprising to us, since children that young would normally not have shown such egregious willful rebellion as to cause God to afflict them with your condition. But nevertheless, we know it’s true, since the Bible tells us so.
So I hope you’re feeling welcomed and loved, because that’s what we truly want to convey. Now, as for becoming part of us, as we mentioned above, we so respect and admire your desire to join us on the side of right, the side of love. Please do keep in mind, however, that we don’t allow people like you to serve in areas where there are children, or teens, or men; or in leadership roles; or in public. Our experience has shown us that it’s best for people like you not to become missionaries or pastors or teachers. Also, because of danger of the diseases that inevitably befall people like you, we’d prefer that you not work with food or beverages and that you not visit people in the hospital or in their homes.
You know, in the end, the best path might be for you to become like us, and leave behind what you think you are. We’re pretty sure that if you really pray hard, and are obedient, and have enough faith, then God will definitely turn you into one of us, and you will look back on your life of wanton rebellion as but a painful memory. I mean, the Bible makes it clear that God doesn’t want people to be like you, so if you pray without ceasing and have faith like a mustard seed, God will fix you! Now some people may try to scare you with stories of how they “tried” to change, but seriously; if they had really really tried, if they had even the smallest amount of faith, if there were anything in them worth redeeming, don’t you think God would have answered their prayers?
So again, thanks for your interest in joining us, and you are to be commended for finding your way to the truth. We hope you feel encouraged and loved. We’re so proud and happy that we could help you in this.
The evangelical church