4:00 am

4-00-hi

i lay awake the middle of the night
the middle of life
the middle of my crisis
or is it the end?

coming up on three years
since i told her i was gay
again

now panicked, desperate, fading
under the crushing weight of
who i am

such a huge fucking disappointment
to everyone i’ve loved
everyone i had hoped would love me

i’ve cut them off
pushed them out in self defense
tried to diffuse their ability
to crush me with their disapproval

i wonder what it’s like?
to be fifteen and have a crush
and believe that someday somewhere
it could be a joyous thing

that god could be happy for me
or mom and dad
or friends or the church

i don’t care about the church anymore
or society
no friends left to care about
no god left to care about me

but i’m not yet alone
i still have her, for the moment
still have my kids, for the moment

and then i wake up at 4:00 am
with the gnawing certainty that
in the end i’ll lose them too

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8 comments

  1. I love you, and I need you to care about me. And, “such a huge fucking disappointment
    to everyone i’ve loved
    everyone i had hoped would love me” – BULLSHIT! I knew, in my heart, and I loved you then, love you now.
    But I hear you. You are sharing your heart, and I don’t deny you your pain.

    Like

    1. Can’t tell you how glad I am to have you in my life! And I want to reaffirm unambiguously what you’ve been able to decipher – that I’m only sharing my heart; writing out my pain in a moment of crisis. I’m certainly not meaning to make any commentary on my friends – the people I’ve loved and who have loved me.

      The good news (I think…) – when I go back and read posts like 4:00, I mostly roll my eyes and think “Jeez, dramatic much?” 🙂 I certainly don’t feel the things I describe in that post all of the time or even most of the time. And it’s not about being gay; or at least not *just* about being gay. It’s the way It’s the experience of being gay in a mixed orientation marriage with a woman I love through the lens of a person who sometimes faces periods depression and anxiety. I write posts like this to get it outside of my head.

      I know that you love me, as I am. And I hope you know how much I love you too.

      Like

  2. OK let for a moment add a point. First I loved your poems and your attempt at self expression. It was great. You put your feelings into it.

    Unlike others that simply say they would be there for you, I would ask you to put that same passion, that same expression into your daily life.

    Think of you children, they will grow up with misguided, totally screwed up thinking about gay people. What about the gay kids they meet. Wouldn’t it be better if they knew a great gay person their father was, what wonderful people gay people can be? I am sorry you are doing your children a disservice and letting them continue to buy into the idea that gays are evil, which you are not. By covering up what you feel, you are letting the myth of gays as being a hateful thing continue. That is sad for your kids. They will meet and know gay kids, do you want them to quote religious bigotry to the young gay person they meet?

    I am glad you pushed the haters away, but you have to think of the future, not just yours, your wife’s, but of your kids and their friends. You really do need to accept your self, as you were born, and make that part of your life, not meaning you have to act out sexually, but the inbread desires you feel need to have the right to be exspressed. It is proven by studies that more and more cultures are accepting the truth that gay people are born they way they are, and any one who says they can change that simply means they can change the behavior not the desire. You are not doing your children any favors by sheltering them and keeping them ignorant of what very well have been one of your Gods plans. Hugs

    Like

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